A Millers Mail

AppleMark

Emails from Anthony

 

 

 

It has become apparent to the upper (and lower) echelons of the Pear Shaped Comedy Empire that the public (whom we at Pear Shaped have EDITED respect for) deserves to know just how the EDITED company operates.

 

This is a clear and open statement of the EDITED correspondence that has taken place over the last six months between Managing Director Mr EDITED Miller and Pear Shaped CEO Mr EDITED Damage during the forced absence of the said Mr Damage who has been exiled in the Antipodes.

 

Mr Miller feels that in the interests of clarity and for blame shifting purposes, all correspondence between he and Mr Damage and Krysstal (his glamorous plaything) should be published for all to see that any Pear Shaped events or lack of Pear Shaped events are in no way the responsibility of he (Mr Miller) or indeed (Mr Belgrave) or even Mr James Beau (who has recently been terminally ill) due to Pear Shaped pressures incurred by the necessity to be funny at regular intervals.

 

Mr Damage

 

These emails are EXACTLY as written by Mr EDITED MILLER.  Pear Shaped does NOT believe in EDITED censorship.

 

This EDITED document is reproduced in EDITED full to demonstrate that the Pear Shaped Comedy Empire is built entirely on EDITED democratic EDITED principles and EDITED free speech.

 

It is our policy at EDITED Shaped to speak our EDITED minds regardless of the EDITED consequences. Like Saddam Hussein we have nothing to hide. And like Messrs Bush, Blair & Howard we aim to tell the truth, the EDITED truth and nothing but the EDITED truth.

 

 

11/11/04 9:43 AM

 

Actually, I've just left a message on voicemail saying we're not booking Wibbley Wobbley and stating that if people want a gig they can email you and conveniently no one's left any messages except one poor exasperated soul who sounded like he was desperate for a gig (someone Rates) so I SMS TXT messaged him back your email. 

 

I've discovered you can TXT message UK mobiles for free on http://www.cbfsms.com [the Pear phone doesn't TXT message?!?]

 

So anyway ... by both these methods ...

 

I don't think I'll answer the phone at all unless I feel lonely.. and the luddites can adapt.

 

Had an email from Karen Cockfield asking for gigs: EDITED

 

 

so I sent her your email but if you email her you might be able to get her to do a spot which would be nice because I like girls and she's funny.

 

Dynamite, Dave Ward & PJ turned up last night while I was at the Caf - I'm hoping to get them together at the same time with Jago and see if I can start a fight.

 

Sabrina tried to tell me that Martin Davis isn't hilarious?!? - how deluded can you get??!

 

The Belgrave Diaries

 

Mr Miller

 

AppleMark

 

 

 

 

 

Mr Belgrave

 

 

 

11/18/04 5:08 PM

 

Steve Hall was wonderful.

 

EDITED....?

 

Loads of people didn't turn up so we put 4 acts on the first half and let them do 10s

 

Andrew O'Neill did a good job opening and then it sort of went downhill...

 

Had an early interval and then the whole open mike circuit turned up wanting a gig so I put them all on.

 

 

Ridiculous when people like Russell Kane are asking for a spot and I say February/March and half the people who are meant to be there can't be arsed to turn up anyway.

 

 

We had a real audience too!

I hate that - an audience with no acts.  Acts with no audience I can cope with .... that's ideal. 

 

They were well peed off by half time (as was I) ...but the second half was good. I may ask Jo if I can txt her for some of her opens if we're short on the night as this is ridiculous.

 

EDITED

 

Think the footy was on...

And there's always Alan Wilde...

 

 

I quite liked EDITED - Belgrave didn't but then like Sabrina he has some funny ideas and doesn't connect the sound of laughter coming from the audience with the concept of funniness without first passing it through the prism of personal taste.

 

Oh yes, and a nice girl kissed me. 

 

Alan Wilde is going on holiday to Amsterdam with Ivan! I will update you on the hilarious consequences of this.

 

12/1/04 1:37 PM

 

Been going alright... Jimbo and Belgrave have the week off this week... so I'm trying out John Mawer as Belgrave (Belgrave's idea)... couldn't face EDITED again

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Um.

 

Oh yes, I managed to burn the plastic on the bar with the lamp but we got away with it I think...

Enough punters turning up ...acts still erratic. 

 

Had a grovel to EDITED and she said we can borrow some of her acts if need be... mind you this was more for my sexual gratification than out of interest in the Pear.

 

Bumped into Karen Cockfield at the gong show.

 

EDITED

 

I must do this booking gigs thing more.

 

Mr Mawer

 

 

 

12/2/04 2:44 PM

 

Fucking brilliant last night.

Sold out and they were all up for it.  All the acts were pants but the audience had a riot.

 

They got a bit rowdy at one point so I put on Mr EDITED  who was so boring he actually calmed them down.

 

He could market himself as Bromide. I think it was our best gig all year.  Mr Mawer was fantastic too. No EDITED... though?

Phil Klein stormed it.

 

Ohhhh. you remember the blokes in the bed Chobby Nobby Dib-Dab?

 

They were Alex's "wildcard" - we'll let them do 5 though they're not funny at the gong.

 

Taken to putting Ray Presto on 1st and letting him do a 10 if he turns up as he's fairly mainstream and easy to understand......he's got some new jokes....

 

I've just had a fantastic rant on Chortle about sprogs at gigs....

er...

 

P.S. I've put a security code on the Pear Shaped EDITED

 

12/9/04 12:18 PM

 

I promoted Gareth Berliner to headliner who did a wonderful job.

 

Unfortunately the room was all full of Christmas party people and took me & Belgrave till 8:20 to clear it.

 

The bar girl told me last week she'd been spending a lot of time chucking people out of there then given up... I think it's a winter thing..... the trouble is once they've bought a pint I can't really just chuck them straight  out on the street when there's no seating upstairs so I've got to give them at least half an hour to drink up which means getting there by at least 7:45    

 

We then had 4 people so I said we'd do it for free and then another 12 people turned up + acts so we ended up with a sort of proper gig but no money ... so I told Berliner you'd give him a paid spot some other time when there are actually punters there

 

 

 

 

 

1/7/05 5:14 PM

 

Belgrave has gone into semi-retirement & is only going to do about 1-2 weeks a month from now on [this is only while he is doing his final year exams ...he's up for doing it regularly again in August ... which could be a great help] .... so ...ermmm. ....I think I've got a replacement in John Mawer

 

(I'm saving Sabrina for emergencies and my odd weeks off) .... and ....well ..he seems very good and fits in quite well and doesn't have any major "personality issues" ...

 

but the problem is he seems to be having a major career crisis and to be thinking of chucking it all in ...

 

[I suppose that's what happens if you spend 3 years talking to EDITED the-most-boring-woman-on-earth!] so ....er ... I just thought I'd book him a lot to encourage him!   ...

 

He has been going ages though (on & off) I think...  so maybe he just has had enough but I told him I needed him (which is not a lie) and he said he'd help out if he could.

 

Mike "I hope you realise I was shagging when you called " Manera helped out compereing last week and was spiffing & we had audience and money & everything....  

So it's not been too bad on the whole.

 

 

1/11/05 9:48 AM

 

Mr EDITED,

You are more than welcome to try and get on the reserve list

but I would point out that you can go annoy other promoters like Romero, Klein, O'Neill, d'Chapeau ... in fact I don't think there's a member of the open mike circuit who doesn't have a Wednesday gig just down the road from me these days so spread yourself around.

 

I will post on the board/let you know if and when I need anyone but for logistical reasons it is first-come-first-served.

No. No cancelations yet.

However, it is still only tuesday morning ... give them time.

 

Mr Miller

P.S. "In return I will buy you beers". In return for what? I am giving you nothing.

 

 

1/13/05 4:12 PM

 

Is it me or the acts or are the bookings getting muddled up or are they trying to bullshit me... Victor Boom turned up last night and told me you'd booked him and I can't think he's so ambitious as to blag his way on ... and he's not the only one. 

 

Whole load of them were just walking across Jimbo compering last night to ask me when they were going on so I told them all to fuck off...

 

EDITED (I think) told me to fuck off back ...

and much hilarity ensued and he sodded off and then I thought ...

does he think he's down for this week too...?

 

..but other than that it was good night .....

chobby nobby txted to say they were ill... one day they'll actually be able to make it....

 

Anyway the point is ... who's booked for February onwards?

I have your list but it seems to have quite a few gaps in it ...

I want to have an authorative list so I can tell 'em all to get a life

 

Got a lot of people turning up on spec too...

 

Oh yeah, ...got a phone call from El Nino who's not been round for ages saying he'll turn up...which will be nice as I think the man from FACT might have been round as they wont play piped musak in the pub any more.

 

Mr Mawer is working out very well.

Oh and there's a couple of media students who are obsessed with filming the pear keep coming down. I told them no one wants the experience recorded but they kept on so I said they should discuss it with you when you come back in May.

 

I'm not having a film crew ...

 

EDITED has come back from Brazil and is stalking EDITED

 

1/20/05 10:06 AM

 

I was ill too with tonsilitis ...so left Sabrina in charge

 

 

2/2/05 2:28 PM

 

Someone's just posted on Chortle that Malcolm Hardee is Dead?

 

 

2/3/05 7:05 AM

 

Anthony

 

Thanks for letting me know

 

That's the worst news I've had in a long time

 

Cheers

Brian

 

 

2/9/05 1:40 PM

 

I am in Henley dealing with EDITED's designs to own Iraq

so Dave D is looking after the Pear this week.

I will be along to help him though ......just not sure when...

Jimbo has had some kind of turn and been sent to hospital ...

they don't know what's wrong with him but he collapsed last night

Will keep u posted

 

 

2/10/05 10:35 AM

 

EDITED

 

My office is being dehumidified at the moment –

the air conditioning in EDITED broke and 15 floors of acidic water fell on it.

Apart from that things are fine.

 

2/11/05 9:39 AM

 

I had a talk with Jimbo and he doesn't seem to be suffering any cognitive damage at all.

Seems the Casualty doctors got it wrong - he hasn't had a stroke.

 

He'd had a cold and this had become an inner ear infection

due to the fact that he never cleans his ears and that had been causing him to lose balance and coordination

so I suppose the moral is clean your ears. 

Anyway he's having them syringed.

 

EDITED

 

2/17/05 6:02 PM

 

Well, Andy Laud turned up ...Danielle Ward cancelled ...

No sign of EDITED Haven't seen EDITED in ages... EDITED was headhunted by EDITED  then told me he didn't know he was booked...

...but we had enough acts.

 

Think I'm getting a bit Malcolm Hardee in my compereing

although I don't slag the acts off before they go on ...

still it is sort of turning into the Anthony Miller show...

 

I've invented a 125 history of the Pear Shaped about how Charlie Chaplin came down and was so impressed he decided to become famous in a silent medium.

 

Made a bit of dosh this week (5 punters) ...

up on the last two weeks where we've more or less had no one ...

was okay till the end on January then 1st week in Feb all the pubs emptied

and we've only had one or two.

 

Hasn't helped having Jimbo out of action - not that it would've helped that much as there's been no one upstairs to pester but at least we haven't actually cancelled.

 

And most of the opens turn up and we get a lot of people on spec...

I expect it'll pick up next week. 

 

Am swapping the comperes round a lot to avoid general dissillusionment in the adult population.

Asked Henning the German to do a couple of weeks so with John, Mike & Sabrina we should be okay.

 

Made the mistake of going to a EDITED gig in EDITED on monday –

as there's no  Wibbly Wobbly Boat any more - ......

 

[I'm not unloved on Valentines Day VERY HEAVILLY EDITED]

and ended up listening to EDITED describe explaining to his EDITED never to shack up with a EDITED because you don't have any EDITED as a EDITED.

 

He then told all these stories about his house being full of EDITED posters

and how his EDITED kept saying "But EDITED you won your EDITED...,get over it!"

 

VERY HEAVILLY EDITED ....

 

then to cheer me up EDITED said

"You think these things wont happen to you Anthony, but they will!"

and described in every hideous detail how VERY HEAVILLY EDITED

Hum...

 

Oh well ...lots of real gigs next month ...

I'm thinking of having something of a break from the Pear in May when you come back

as I've built up this load of other comperes for you ....

 

Also I'm not going to be about the week of the 8th of June

I'm on a tour of the north.

 

 

2/24/05 10:29 AM

 

Real audience this week.

Went quite well... till at about 10:30

I put on Erich and he had few lines like "some people think this joke's a bit sexist but... " and "some people that's racist but..."

 

Then EDITED goes on after he's stormed it and says: 

"I like Erich but he's the most sexist, racist person I've ever met...

 so I got out my corner and had a rant at EDITED VERY EDITED

Ho hum. Still ... didn't go too badly .............  Stupid EDITED.

Anyway, the audience enjoyed it. 

And Jimbo didn't fall over.

 

 

2/25/05 10:58 AM

 

Oh yeah ... Becky and Steve came down on Wednesday too.

Got the late night train home 1am on Wednesday ....

and these two people (who I never saw) got in the next carriage

up and were shouting really loudly arguing about "some cunting cunting cunting fucking bitch" so everyone in my carriage goes quiet and nervous like we think there's going to be a fight and someone pipes up ...

"maybe if we listen we'll be able to figure out who it's about"

so we listen and listen and this goes on and on and on "bitch" this and "cunt" that...... until eventually we heard quite clearly "so I said to Hils Jago that..." and then I was able to explain to everyone else in the carriage who they were argueing about.

Never did find out who it was though.

Also went round Ivan's house last night to watch the video of his holiday with Mr Wilde in Amsterdam.

 

EDITED

 

 

2/28/05 6:03 PM

 

Bumped into EDITED on Saturday and I think EDITED's forgiven me .....

it's like the EDITED microphone thing though - it's not the incident its self

it's the fact you know they're never going to let you forget about it ......

 

uuurgh..EDITED stormed EDITEDs though so EDITED seemed quite chirpy...

"see how funny I am when I'm not interupted Anthony..."

 

..oooh God ... I'm going to have to rebook EDITED now so EDITED doesn't think I'm petty......oooooooooooer ....

 

I was actually there to meet Mr Wilde as James Sherwood had invited us to this party in Dean Street. 

So we slipped away ...not wanting to give away where we were going to the non-invitees... and bugger me who's there but EDITED & Erich ....?

 

EDITED

It was an absolutely awful party ...in a Nightclub

(well, one of those places that imagines because it's like a Yates wine bar it's fun to go to) – no balloons ...not even any crisps!

 

Alan bought 2 bottles of beer at the bar that cost 6.40 ....and people stayed?!

Even the Phoenix is cheaper than that...

so we slunk away to the Tapas bar out the back door... saved 40p ...

 

Alan Wilde's just got rid of Christian C Dunn after 3 weeks of him sleeping on his floor...

 

EDITED's got tonsilitis

 

EDITED keeps telling me he can't get an erection any more ....

 

and I've taken a break from EDITED because I'm never going to hear the end of their EDITED.

 

Have got Henning compering this week and he's HACKNEY EMPIRE NEW ACT OF THE YEAR since Sunday ...  so I'll be expecting to receive a cancellation email before Wednesday...

 

Quite proud of my talent spotting skill though - it's a bit like backing a Horse at 15-1 and it coming out winner.

 

 

3/3/05 12:06 PM

 

Little bit of snow and everyone fucks off.... Oxford Street was like a windy wasteland so ...

Another lean week at the Pear Shaped...

We only just went ahead with 3 punters...

 

Hardly any acts ... but then a few had cancelled and I didn't get any more down because last week I had acts coming out my ears –

 

Some bloke even accosted me on my way to the gig with "are you Anthony Miller?  Can I have a spot at the Pear Shaped tonight"?

 

Peter Tennant was good  John Mawer was masterly  Henning & Jimbo didn't really get to do much as I did't have an interval

 

No sign of

 

EDITED

 

EDITED

 

EDITED

 

EDITED

 

or EDITED

 

Phil Klein only had 4 acts turn up at his gig...

Still ....only 7 weeks to go......

 

P.S. Due to the man from FACT telling the bar they can't play piped music

I have been playing your CD before the gig in an attempt to generate an atmosphere and have even had some interest in where purchase copies from the punters...

 

 

3/8/05 9:44 AM

 

See you've got your emails down to their usual brevity.

 

Had an email chat with Ince about tomorrow.

He suggested doing the Pear Shaped then going to do his hour at the etcetera theatre after!?

I told him not to be stupid because it takes a good half an hour to get from Pear to Camden ... so I'm getting John N to do the headline spot instead.

 

Ince seemed really up for it though and said he'd pop down any time we wanted him if he was free.  His email's EDITED

 

so if one of our other headliners pulls out you might give him a email

(or I might if they contact me or whatever)

 

...are Chobby Nobby Dib Dab really doing the 10 on wednesday? ......

this could prove interesting ... they were the novelty act at the Hackney Empire, you know?

 

Also saw EDITED at EDITED's gig and he was superb –

he's got material and everything now and he doesn't look nervous-as-fuck any more ... so I've told him to come down on wednesday as EDITED's pulled out. 

 

I told him you'd book him for a 10 slot too if he got in touch because I think he's good now and no one else 'll book him.

 

 

3/10/05 9:52 AM

 

You know you booked Robin Hall & Barry Conway ...

Malcolm Hay listed this is Barry Hall and I had a rather irate telephone communication from Shazia's agent asking what I was doing nicking her acts so I have sent her an email explaining the cock-up.

 

We had an audience. We had acts. No EDITED?  No EDITED

The audience were lovely

Almost universally the first half died on its arse through lack of jokes

and the audience more or less walked out because they couldn't take the pain.

I don't think I've ever compered such a load of shite!

Jesus! 

 

Then in the second half John Newton did a 15 that went quite well and I put all the mentalists on.

 

Ward, Coppin & PJ came down ...

me and Belgrave took the piss out of them and we all fucked off down the Phoenix. 

 

I must congratulate you though that was one of our worst load of acts ever! 

Phew!

 

 

3/10/05 10:56 AM

 

Thanks for coming back to us.

It's just that Barrie had a panic and no one could work out who put him on the bill at Pear Shaped – as we recently had our booker leave and now have a new one –  we didn't know whether that had been booked in by him

and not written in the diary etc etc etc.

Anyway thanks for clearing it up.

Viv

 

3/14/05 5:15 PM

 

Oh I had a PM from Del Strain saying he had a cold last week ....

....so if you've got a number I might ask him to come along another week there's no one funny on.

 

Erm...

Who's listed for the coming weeks?

My listings have gaps in them.

I may Press-gang a few funny acts down if it looks as er .... frightening as last week.

 

I used to put Ray Presto on first for a while but he's "too big" for the Pear now.

 

 

3/24/05 10:27 AM

 

EDITED couldn't get a babysitter so I put Stephen Weiner on for the 10

(well, I just let him waffle on as he was quite funny and then bunged him Nina's money).

In a moment of enthusiasm I  said you'd book him again for a 10 because we need some funny acts.

 

Loads of punters but they all walked out at half time as they were "too pissed to cope". 

Jimbo was pleased with the cash.

 

Oh, the other week I forgot that Demetris Deech was headlining

and put him on for a five which turned out to go on for 10

then slagged him off for over-running

but there were no punters anyway that week but he may be pissed off about it ....

 

3/31/05 12:40 PM

 

Another lean week at the Pear ... but Belgrave was chirpy ...

.....no one upstairs for Jimbo to drag down. 

 

To be honest I'm trying to reduce the number of punters because I'm hoping to hand over an empty room

 

 

Cockfield turned up EDITED and was brilliant.

EDITED obviously knew better

 

Joel didn't show - he's there every week except the week he's booked?

 

Steve Archer had transport problems.... which was a huge loss to the night.

 

I don't know how we struggle through sometimes

 

Oh and our "regular" - the weird man from St Albans - turned up.

 

Long Edited Correspondence with someone else.

 

 

 

4/7/05 10:23 AM

 

Audience this week but they were all cunts.

Some pissed up bird kept heckling everyone but I threatened to physically evict her and started to and then she quietened down ...

 

...also a group of yuppies one of whom said the acts were "anti-semetic"

so I said "look if I wanted to have an argument about politics Id have booked EDITED to compere"

 

The first half went quite well

but there was one yuppie who was such a pain in the bottom

(must have been coked up)

 

I did your "here's your fiver back now shove it up your arse" routine

and physically chucked him out leaving his bit of fluff behind...

and that sort of lanced the boil –

 

his bird didn't like it but I told her to "shut up you bitch"

and that solved that one.

 

Verity and her EDITED came down and lent us moral support.

Two pissed up fat blokes at the back kept heckling the acts between all the set-ups and punch lines

so Mr Mawer went and sat next to them and kept saying "shh" and smiling

which un-nerved them into behaving.

 

EDITED turned up early and told me he was going to try and double up at the Asylum and Just the Tonic

(they've opened a club in London - commerical suicide or what?)

 

but he couldn't make it to the Pear in the end ...

still no one noticed there was no headliner.

 

I think the EDITED that's what Carlin told me anyway

 

EDITED did the 10 as a replacement for John becoming compere and ...er ...died on EDITED arse (which is unusual) but I gave here a fiver and told her not to worry...

 

..EDITED keeps telling me she wants my babies and asking me out...

 

The acts were really good but the audience were just cunts

so to finish we played "BUNCH OF CUNTS" at full volume and I think they got the message

 

 

4/14/05 2:04 PM

 

Not bad this week.   6 punters...expanding to 8 ...

We had a laugh... and some of them even wanted to come back.

 

Well I say we had a laugh ...

I've kind of figured it out now that Belgrave doesn't enjoy the other acts very much - even when they're funny.

He takes it all so seriously ....

 

He was writing a very detailed blog of the evening ...

 

Ceclia Smart had a go at me (on stage) for posting on Chortle that

Bruno (her sprog's name) is a dog's name.

 

I said it is a dog's name ...the audience laughed ...

she said "No, it isn't.  In East Finchley Anthony's a dog's name"

 

I said "We don't have that class of dog in Croydon"

which got an even bigger laugh and destroyed her argument.

People shouldn't name their sprogs after bow-wows.

 

 

Paulo Ferrari decided to try and touch up the birds in the audience

so I pulled him off stage ... and put Elnaugh on ...

who stormed it so fantastically that the girls wanted to have their photo taken with him ...

 

Adam Howe turned up late. 

Diva Eve didn't turn up at all - does it exist?

 

Same old bollocks

 

James Sherwood turned up on spec ...

 

 

 

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